Its The Law

The longer a country remains sovereign, the more laws it has to make just to keep the crazies from taking over the place.  This counts for states and cities, too, not to mention (well, then, yes to mention) the basic family unit.  I actually had to make a sign and put it on the bathroom door that said “PLEASE FLUSH THE TOILET IF YOU USE IT” after a certain someone in our house kept ‘forgetting’.  While we’re on the subject, let me share a bit of wisdom with you: No matter how hard you try, you cannot train a cat to flush the toilet.  Imposing rules becomes a necessity when living with morons or liberals.  Just because a box of plastic garbage bags doesn’t say “DO NOT PUT BAG OVER YOUR HEAD AND ATTEMPT TO DRIVE” doesn’t mean it’s ok to do it.  Unfortunately, over the years it has been necessary to impose laws and warnings to keep people from hurting themselves or others. (See “CAUTION: HOT” on the lid of a McDonald’s coffee cup).

Some laws are strange, to say the least.  In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from an airplane.  Ok, I could understand it if they said you can’t look at a moose if you’re FLYING an airplane (I can see a pilot becoming enthralled by a moose’s good looks and plowing their plane into the snow), but come on!  Are there forest rangers with binoculars watching airplanes as they pass?  “Uh, yeah, Delta Charlie, this is Yogi One.  I just spotted a passenger in a Piper Cub ogling one of our mooses.  Permission to bring it down by lethal force.”

In Miami, Florida it is illegal to imitate an animal.  I’ve heard of thin-skinned alligators, but this takes the cake.  If I lived in Miami, I would dress in all black and sneak around the neighborhoods barking and meowing just to be rebellious.  Makes you wonder what happened to bring that law in effect.  “Your honor, I thought my neighbor was a chicken and accidently wrung his neck.”

In Illinois you must have a steering wheel to drive a car.  You can do without wheels, a chassis, brakes and an engine, but by golly you’d better have that steering wheel.  Reminds me of the cop that pulled a man over for walking down the highway with a car door perched on his shoulder.  When asked what the deal was with the car door, the man explained that he put the window down because it was getting hot.  I would have been scared to ask him about his exhaust system.

In Kentucky it is the law that you must take a bath at least once a year.  God forbid if you’re a shower person.  Wouldn’t you hate to be the guy that has to make sure this law is enforced?  “Ok, lift your arms one person at a time, please!”  I wonder if the person who broke this law went to Miami – would they get in trouble for smelling like an animal?

Here’s one I wish was a universal law: In North Carolina it is illegal for dogs and cats to fight.  They are permitted to disagree, but please, no violence!  Personally, I think every dog deserves a good raking across the snout just for general principles.

In Providence, Rhode Island, it is illegal to jump off a bridge.  Jumping to conclusions, however, is allowed with a permit.  In Cleveland, Ohio, it is not lawful to leave chewing gum in public places.  This makes one wonder if it is ok to stick gum on a statue’s nose in Providence, and all right to swan dive off a bridge in Cleveland.  I know where I’m taking my next vacation.

If you’re in West Virginia, you’d better be a baby if you’re going around in a baby carriage.  Otherwise, you’re fined.  They’d probably take away your binky.  Who in their right mind would roll around in a baby carriage after they’ve been potty trained?  I could make all kinds of West Virginia jokes here, but I wouldn’t want a diaper upside my head.

There are so many strange laws I could go on literally for days, but I’m so busy staying on the straight and narrow I don’t have time to do more research.  Of course, I’m probably breaking some ordinance somewhere, but that’s just the outlaw in me flaunting my criminality.  Did you know in Tennessee it is illegal to sell bologna on Sunday?  You’ll find me just over the state line pushing thick sliced bologna from the trunk of my car.  I have to sell it fast, because if my product turns green, I’d be making a killing – literally.