Idea Man

It would be nice to get paid by someone who recognizes my ability to come up with stupendous ideas.  I’ve tormented myself as to whether or not I should mention some of them here so you, my faithful reader, could see just how stupendous my ideas are, because once I put it out there anyone can snatch it up and claim it for themselves.  Then I came up with another stupendous idea that would protect my other stupendous ideas, and it was so easy I dare call it stupendous: any ideas mentioned in this article are mine, and if you steal it without asking me first, you’ll owe me half a trillion dollars.  How’s that for a legally binding comment?  Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for some poor schmo to take one of my ideas.  I’m already spending the moolah in my head.

I was born with great ideas literally spewing out of my bodily orifices.  Unfortunately, I was so young I had no idea how to keep my ideas to myself, and so I blurted out every great idea the world had from 1958 to 1966.  If I’d had that idea first (keeping my ideas to myself), I’d be a multi trillionaire by now.  Of course, in reality, no one really owns an idea until it gets nailed down.  History is full of folks jumping over each other trying to be the first to come up with something.  I can see it now.  Alexander Graham Bell yelled into his telephone, “Watson, come here!  I want to see you!”  As soon as Watson arrived, he said, “Leave that rapscallion Sherlock Holmes alone for a few minutes and do me two favors.  First, go into my pantry and fetch me those crackers I just invented, and then get to the Patent office with my idea for this telephone before that ne’er-do-well Elisha Grey steals my thunder!”  Henry Ford had to compete with Abraham Lincoln and Freddy Mercury to get the first car out, but he just bought them out and used their names.  Even Mark Zuckerberg bought out Everett Facebook, and we know what happened there.  So, history shows us idea makers that we have to be the really early bird if we want to catch the wormhole. 

But back in 1966 when I realized I was spewing out ideas left and right for others to just sweep up and call their own, it wasn’t enough to just keep my yapper closed.  That just meant all the other idea guys had to come up with their own ideas instead of following this kid around.  The next ten years of my life was pretty lonely.  My problem was that I didn’t know what to do with all my stupendous ideas.  Oh, sure, I had stopped handing out my great ideas like candy, but they still floated out there for anyone to snag and tag.  It wasn’t until I was 18 that I came up with the idea of writing my ideas down.  That’s when God decided to play a practical joke on me by giving me fantastic ideas that have already been used!  Hey, how did I know Edouard Benedictus invented safety glass in 1903?  I must have been sleeping when my history teacher told everyone that Eli Whitney invented the Cotton Gin, and I don’t even drink.  Here I was, still wet behind the gills with life, feverishly writing down all these life-shattering ideas that other people thought of.

It wasn’t until I was 28 that I realized God had pulled a fast one on me when I took my notebook full of previously used ideas to the patent office and got laughed out of the building.  It took me another twenty years just to weed out all the old, stale ideas floating around my noggin.  That leaves me working the past five years making sure any ideas I have are fresh from the vine.  Now I’ve got a bushel full of wonderful plans and inventions just waiting to find an agent willing to hook me up with the right resources so I can start making my trillions.

Now, I bet you’ve been waiting all this time to see if I slip up and give you an idea that you can take to the bank.  Ha!  The joke’s on you.  I’m not even going to hint at my latest idea for snake diapers, just so you can . . . crap.  Did it again.