Circular Reasoning


Like a pedigree bloodhound bred to hunt, another far-out scientific study has been unearthed and exposed to the light of incredulous reason by this writer.  No, it is not research on the interspecies mating habits of whales and mollusks, nor is it a finding that proves a man who goes to bed with an itchy behind wakes up with a smelly finger.  This study was done in Germany, home of bratwurst and Volkswagens and Shamwows, and a pack of scientists there have determined that when people become lost, they really do go in circles.

Let’s pretend for a moment that this study was not a fabrication of some GPS manufacturer, and was conducted merely to prove a scientific point.  Great googly woogly, don’t these people have more important things to research, like why scientists tend to come up with the craziest things to research?  Personally, I think these wackos were bottle fed.  Nevertheless, an unsuspecting institution of higher learning chucked out major Euro dollars just so some scientist could take a hike.  I admit to being somewhat peeved about the scientific community’s waste of time and money, but I’m much more upset that I’m never around when they need volunteers.  I’d show those beer-drinking Germans how to walk a straight line.

Anyway, as these sorts of studies go, the head bean thought it would be nice to see if folks move in circles regardless of the terrain.  Ok, that would make sense.  I’m sure the research-granting board read the proposal and said, “Whew, I’m glad this study covers all kinds of environments.  We were worried it would take place in a casino like that last one that nearly broke us.  Here, give him a blank check.”  The research subjects were equipped with tracking devices, just so they couldn’t get lost (wait, I thought that was the point), and then dropped in unfamiliar territory like deserts, forests and Donald Trump’s mansion, and told to walk in a straight line.

The study learned that most of those who were lost in the desert quickly became buzzard meat.  The rest tended to weave left and right, but generally did move in a somewhat straight line.  This was supposedly because the test subjects used the arc of the sun to aid their travel.  Being somewhat skeptical, I tried this in a Wal-Mart parking lot.  When I started, the sun was just coming up, and I determined the best way to walk a straight line would be to go toward the sun.  This went well for half the day, but by the end of the day I ended up where I started.  Proved that one wrong, and am proud of it.

Another group was placed in a great body of water and told to row in a straight line.  The research’s finding was similar to those who were lost in the desert, so they naturally deduced the sun was the reason why.  Since I’d already proved that hypothesis wrong, and given the fact that I can’t swim and wouldn’t be caught dead in a boat with no sight of land, I decided this theory was bogus, too.

Now the group that caught my attention was the ones that were placed in the forest.  The study showed that without exception, these people did in fact walk in circles.  Ok, this is where I draw a line in the roots.  I can understand that Germany had to borrow a desert from the Egyptians and a large body of water from the Italians (as long as they returned them unscathed, mind you), but Germany is chock full of something called the Black Forest.  Raise your hand if you think you can make any sense of direction in something that’s all black.  This is a no-brainer.  To prove this, I took my youngest son down to the Bankhead National Forest, dropped him off at its western border, told him to walk a straight line and then waited for him at the Forest’s eastern border.  Being smarter than the average bear, I did let him have his cell phone, and called him from time to time to see if he sounded any closer. 

That was two weeks ago, about ten days after his cell phone battery went dead.  His mom believes he’s visiting relatives up north.  I don’t think he’s walking around in circles, though, because he’s a pretty level-headed guy.  Maybe he found an ancient Native American burial site and is waiting for me to hunt him down so we can share in the discovery.  He’s always thinking about his old man, too.  Good boy.  Hope he runs across a recharger in there so he can finally tell me where he is.

About jaytharding
Christian Mystic-in-training, burgeoning Apologist, Writer, Poet, Philosopher, all-purpose curmudgeon Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 11 Corinthians 5:17

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