A No-Brainer

no brainer


I absolutely love reading about the new studies scientists and researchers come up with.  It tells me that insanity can strike anyone, regardless of their education.  I mean, I’ve known a lot of crazy poor people – been one myself for many years and loved it – and even though I already know that mental illness is a prerequisite to holding public office, I always assumed that academia was immune to such things.  I’m glad to know I was wrong.  Now I have a completely new segment of society to poke fun of.

Listen to this: Researchers at Yale University (you know, the place where they teach people how to build a better lock) have come out with a study that says stress can cause the brain to shrink.  Really.  I have a number of questions to ask these eggheads because I find their findings a little hard to digest.  I never did like the taste of brain.  Too salty.  But seriously, I want to know how much money these guys spent on measuring brains, because I could have done it for a fraction of the cost.  I just need a cloth measuring tape and a hacksaw.  Ok, well, I suppose I would need a permit to conduct experiments with a hacksaw.  Can’t let just anybody go around slicing into brains.  You have to be a parent or teacher to do that.  How do you think folks get brainwashed?  It’s not like you can stick a hose in one ear and hope to get your noggin clean.  Anyway, that’s another subject for another day.  I recommend Dawn dish soap, though.  Just sayin’.

The article (here it is: http://connecticut.cbslocal.com/2012/11/30/study-stress-causes-brain-to-shrink/) says the scientists measured the brain size of over 100 subjects after interviewing them to find out if they had ever gone through a stressful experience.  Ok, here are the problems I find with that.  First of all, why bother to ask if someone’s gone through a stressful experience or not?  Isn’t being born enough? And then there are all those vegetables you’re forced to eat when you’re growing up.  I’m getting an ulcer just thinking about that vinegar-soaked spinach I had to eat before I could go out to play.  I carried that spinach in my pocket for days until I finally gave in.  Haven’t we all had enough stress to sink a battleship?  Asking someone if they’ve ever been stressed is like asking a bear if he craps in the woods.  Talking to a bear, now that’s stressful.

I want to know how these researchers know that their subjects’ brains had actually gotten smaller.  It’s not like they measured their brains before being stressed and then afterwards.  Now, that’s given me an idea.  I can measure the brain of a person then make them bungee jump off a flying jetliner, then measure their brains again.  I’d be willing to bet their bowels shrunk, too.  If my subject is afraid of flying, though, I can put lipstick on their shirt and then tell them to explain to their significant other how it got there.  I can’t think of anything more stressful than that.  Unless an angry bear shows up wearing lipstick.

Here’s the weird part, though.  Scientists have been telling us all along that stress is good for us, and now they say it makes our brains shrink.  I don’t believe either premise.  If stress is good for us, why not hide broken glass in instant mashed potatoes?  Why not make us drive cars held together by spaghetti?  C’mon now.  If stress makes our brains shrink, the average adult would have the brain of a squirrel.  Then we’d all be in politics.  Yale, stick with making locks, because no one’s buying your shrunken brain theory, and if they do they should see a shrink.

About jaytharding
Christian Mystic-in-training, burgeoning Apologist, Writer, Poet, Philosopher, all-purpose curmudgeon Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 11 Corinthians 5:17

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