A Plea for Help Part Two

The MAN is taking a cat nap on the couch, and the BEAST is on the floor next to him.  I am taking this opportunity to once again make an appeal to my new-found FELINE friends, as well as any sympathetic soul within the scope of this reading, urging assistance or advice on how to dispatch the BEAST once and for all.  Since my last plea for HELP the DOG has grown even larger, and I am afraid it will never stop growing.  It now has picked up the SADISTIC habit of using its weight to bowl me over so it can LICK me with its horrible, sloppy TONGUE.  I am at wits end here.  I spend the majority of my day grooming myself from head to toe, only to have the BEAST slobber on me and ruin my perfectly coiffed hair.  I HATE this MONSTER with every fiber of my being and will go to any length to DESTROY it!  I have figured out how to get the BEAST in trouble, though, and this gives me great joy!  Sometimes when the conditions are right, the MAN or WOMAN will leave papers important to them, or one of their noise-making talking things on the table in front of the couch.  When they are not looking I simply PUSH the items off the table and onto the floor.  The simple-minded DOG thinks that everything on the floor is HERS, and she CHEWS and MAULS the items until they are unrecognizable.  I LOVE to watch from afar as the MAN or WOMAN finds their possessions in the mouth of the BEAST and scolds it.  Tragically, though, the MONSTER slinks around their feet and gives them such a pathetic look that they invariably FORGIVE the DOG and pick it up and coddle it.  I CANNOT win for losing.

My day, when not consumed with plans to KILL the DOG, is filled with all sorts of inquiry and investigation.  I do wish there were another FELINE about to bounce my questions off, because I KNOW that two CATS are better than one.  For instance, all about the house, hanging from the ceiling, are these spinning bird-wing things that serve no purpose than to stir the fur around on flat surfaces.  Here is a photograph of one:

Another mystery revealed itself to me the other day as I was following the MAN about the house.  I have noticed that on several occasions every day the MAN goes into the WATER room and closes the door behind him.  I listen through the door and hear water running, but sometimes I can hear the MAN complain about some “damned water pill”.  This has always stoked my immense curiosity.  Imagine a pill that has the power to create WATER!  Well, the other day the MAN forgot to close the door all the way and I snuck in.  Imagine my SHOCK to discover that the MAN has the ability to PRODUCE bowls FULL of WATER!  I saw a tiny spigot attached to the front of him, and he was pouring gallons of water into a giant porcelin BOWL.  I suspect that the bowl is connected to the other bowls around the house where there are metal spigots that can spout WATER.  I have a new-found respect for the MAN!  Here is a picture of the giant BOWL he filled with water:

Finally, the other day the WOMAN brought a strange object into the house that immediately caused the BEAST to go into a frothy fury.  It barked and tried to bite the object without success, and upset the DOG so much that it began to VOMIT!  I immediately went to the WOMAN and rubbed my gratitude all over her.  However, neither SHE nor the MAN were happy with the BEAST’S reaction and tried calming it down.  I am happy to report that the DOG could not be brought down from its frantic state, so the MAN had to remove the strange object from the DOG’S presence.  Now I find myself obsessed with figuring out how to bring the object out for the BEAST when none of the HUMANS are home.  Here is a photograph of it:

I shall have to end this missive here, as the MAN has stopped snoring and will soon wake up.  Again, if ANYONE has any ideas on how to REMOVE the BEAST from this house, I will be forever grateful.  Here is a picture of it asleep, the only state I can TOLERATE: